Sigh

A body of wax and an embedded wick

Shaped into a tiny lil stick

Home was nothing but just four walls

Alike living in a confined hall

Never much a use when all was well

Remain untouched in this lonely cell

Then came one cold and chilly long night

When nothing at all seemed so bright

Sparks came by, flare then emerged

And rooms enlivened for the dark was purged

Everything illuminated as time goes by

Its purpose was served with a silent cry

Soaring flames made its body wore

Deliberately melting to its very own core

Holding on till things got right

A puff then bids goodbye, and goodnight.

Seasons

Hot and sunny were how it began
Summer, was its very own name
The endless heat soon faded away
For summer drew to its very last day

Light grey clouds replaced the bluish sky
Leaves of trees went all dry
Chilly winds then tagged along
And Winter sang its very own song

Lesser the days of birds chirping
More the days of endless shivering
Nights longed as days shorten
Winter overpowered as Summer weaken

All that lives would eventually die
So Winter then bids its own goodbye
A ray of sunlight pierced the gloomy clouds
Then came Spring without any doubts

The once dried leaves turned all green-ie
And wilted flowers bloomed beautifully
I'd lived through Summer and Winter
But only watched Spring takes its altar

10/10/10 - *K*

Dream

Back then I'd wake up from a bad dream, dial your number, sulking to you saying that you'd left me in the dream.. I had the same dream today, but this time i woke up knowing that it's no longer a dream..

2 months

It's been 2 months

Vacant

There are times where you'd feel that you're at the right time doing the right thing with the right person, and everything seems so perfect and just so blissful. And there are also times where you feel just so lost, everything you do hits a dead end, turning back's not an option, neither is moving on.

It isn't easy holding on to something that no longer exists. 'Believe' would be the strength of a weak or developing relationship, but it's also the weakness of a broken one.

Grief

I'm sorry to hear about the lost of your friend. If I could I'd just hold you in my arms, and just hug you without saying anything.....

Heart or Mind

I'm confused. I'm lost. And I really don't know what to do. About a month has passed, and the pain hasn't lessen a single bit. My emotions are messy, the thoughts in my head are driving me nuts. I don't know what to follow anymore, my heart, or my mind.

The decisions I've made throughout this time frame. Right or wrong I do not know. It's surprisingly how easily my heart would change its mind. Must I do what's best? Or should I do what my heart wants? I just don't know.

I made some decisions that are unnecessary in the eyes of others. But those decisions were made because I feel that I needed them. But nevertheless the disagreements has its right reasons as well. At times I seek other people's agreement, the feeling where they understand the decisions you made because they've been through it as well. But on the other hand, I couldn't help but to agree also on the criticism the others had given me. It made me realized stuffs, and made me doubt my decisions.

How much is this gonna continue bothering me I have no idea at all. How long before I can be the usual me? Is that usual me still there? I went off the grids for a reason, and now I'm back cause.. I don't even know why I'm back. I wanna explain my reasons, but doing so would make it feel as though as.. Sigh.

I wanna cry. But the tears won't flow out. My heart's aching so so badly every time this matter is brought up. And it's not like I don't want anyone to ever bring up this matter. Instead I'd prefer if they did. I don't know what I'm typing. And I don't know what I'm thinking either.

My heart doesn't wanna take the 1st step, it'd prefer to be led on. But conscious tells me that the better is to take that very step. I wanna burst. I seriously wanna tear, and tell everything out. To her, and to my friends. Perhaps I should, perhaps I shouldn't. So what should I do? Heart or Mind?

40 days

I can't help but to remember
How I'd gently grasp your chin
And slowly pushing it up
Before I kiss you

I can't help but to recall
Lying on the bed with you
We turn and our faces meet
My fingers push away your fringe
And my palm rests on your cheeks
Before I kiss you

I can't help but to picture
The look on your face
When you close your eyes
Waiting for the warmth to connect
Before I kiss you

Staring blankly at the ceiling
Not knowing what to do
Nor what to believe in
And perhaps all that's left
Is waiting for something
To make me wanna believe again..

Victory, the winner?

Portraying that there will be a winner and a loser at the end of the game of love was rather wrong. Is there a prize that solely belongs to the winner? Or rather is there any prize at all? The more I seek for answers, the more questions pop up. And I realize that there is no end to it, that journey I was on, never existed all along.

To set a time frame to grief was something I couldn't do. Because I can't guarantee that after that period of time, I wouldn't feel sad about it anymore, or if I am ready to move on. I know it isn't wrong to leave the relationship because the heart just don't wanna do it anymore. But reasons like that could really destroy a person, destroy me. For someone who'd put and loved so much to be left with sayings like this is just a disaster.

All those words and advices told to me, about being strong and move on, letting go, and stop thinking about it, I'd honestly heard enough. I know about all these, I know about trying, and to try even harder, and if that doesn't work out try EVEN harder. But the grief and thoughts come naturally. I can't control it, even if I'd to force myself to not think about it. My friend told me "God wouldn't completely shut me out, if he closes the door, the window might be opened. There will always be a path for you to crawl out of it". And I was thinking, like what had been mentioned before, even if i close the door, the window might be opened, and that opening would get Satan into my head!

As much as I'm trying my best, and as much as I know I got to keep trying, this deep stinging pain hasn't go away. The worst thing about hoping is not knowing when will your hopes come true, and the worst thing about grieving is not knowing when will the pain be gone........

..

I'm just so fucked up right now.. Just so fucking fucked up..