Tsk tsk..

Sigh

2011-08-28T04:14:00.002+08:00

A body of wax and an embedded wick

Shaped into a tiny lil stick

Home was nothing but just four walls

Alike living in a confined hall

Never much a use when all was well

Remain untouched in this lonely cell

Then came one cold and chilly long night

When nothing at all seemed so bright

Sparks came by, flare then emerged

And rooms enlivened for the dark was purged

Everything illuminated as time goes by

Its purpose was served with a silent cry

Soaring flames made its body wore

Deliberately melting to its very own core

Holding on till things got right

A puff then bids goodbye, and goodnight.

Seasons

2010-10-10T01:22:00.002+08:00

Hot and sunny were how it began
Summer, was its very own name
The endless heat soon faded away
For summer drew to its very last day

Light grey clouds replaced the bluish sky
Leaves of trees went all dry
Chilly winds then tagged along
And Winter sang its very own song

Lesser the days of birds chirping
More the days of endless shivering
Nights longed as days shorten
Winter overpowered as Summer weaken

All that lives would eventually die
So Winter then bids its own goodbye
A ray of sunlight pierced the gloomy clouds
Then came Spring without any doubts

The once dried leaves turned all green-ie
And wilted flowers bloomed beautifully
I'd lived through Summer and Winter
But only watched Spring takes its altar

10/10/10 - *K*

Dream

2010-07-18T22:20:00.003+08:00

Back then I'd wake up from a bad dream, dial your number, sulking to you saying that you'd left me in the dream.. I had the same dream today, but this time i woke up knowing that it's no longer a dream..

2 months

2010-07-06T18:25:00.000+08:00

It's been 2 months

Vacant

2010-07-06T17:37:00.002+08:00

There are times where you'd feel that you're at the right time doing the right thing with the right person, and everything seems so perfect and just so blissful. And there are also times where you feel just so lost, everything you do hits a dead end, turning back's not an option, neither is moving on.

It isn't easy holding on to something that no longer exists. 'Believe' would be the strength of a weak or developing relationship, but it's also the weakness of a broken one.

Grief

2010-06-18T02:48:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry to hear about the lost of your friend. If I could I'd just hold you in my arms, and just hug you without saying anything.....

Heart or Mind

2010-06-18T02:03:00.003+08:00

I'm confused. I'm lost. And I really don't know what to do. About a month has passed, and the pain hasn't lessen a single bit. My emotions are messy, the thoughts in my head are driving me nuts. I don't know what to follow anymore, my heart, or my mind.

The decisions I've made throughout this time frame. Right or wrong I do not know. It's surprisingly how easily my heart would change its mind. Must I do what's best? Or should I do what my heart wants? I just don't know.

I made some decisions that are unnecessary in the eyes of others. But those decisions were made because I feel that I needed them. But nevertheless the disagreements has its right reasons as well. At times I seek other people's agreement, the feeling where they understand the decisions you made because they've been through it as well. But on the other hand, I couldn't help but to agree also on the criticism the others had given me. It made me realized stuffs, and made me doubt my decisions.

How much is this gonna continue bothering me I have no idea at all. How long before I can be the usual me? Is that usual me still there? I went off the grids for a reason, and now I'm back cause.. I don't even know why I'm back. I wanna explain my reasons, but doing so would make it feel as though as.. Sigh.

I wanna cry. But the tears won't flow out. My heart's aching so so badly every time this matter is brought up. And it's not like I don't want anyone to ever bring up this matter. Instead I'd prefer if they did. I don't know what I'm typing. And I don't know what I'm thinking either.

My heart doesn't wanna take the 1st step, it'd prefer to be led on. But conscious tells me that the better is to take that very step. I wanna burst. I seriously wanna tear, and tell everything out. To her, and to my friends. Perhaps I should, perhaps I shouldn't. So what should I do? Heart or Mind?

40 days

2010-06-15T13:02:00.002+08:00

I can't help but to remember
How I'd gently grasp your chin
And slowly pushing it up
Before I kiss you

I can't help but to recall
Lying on the bed with you
We turn and our faces meet
My fingers push away your fringe
And my palm rests on your cheeks
Before I kiss you

I can't help but to picture
The look on your face
When you close your eyes
Waiting for the warmth to connect
Before I kiss you

Staring blankly at the ceiling
Not knowing what to do
Nor what to believe in
And perhaps all that's left
Is waiting for something
To make me wanna believe again..

Victory, the winner?

2010-05-18T05:07:00.000+08:00

Portraying that there will be a winner and a loser at the end of the game of love was rather wrong. Is there a prize that solely belongs to the winner? Or rather is there any prize at all? The more I seek for answers, the more questions pop up. And I realize that there is no end to it, that journey I was on, never existed all along.

To set a time frame to grief was something I couldn't do. Because I can't guarantee that after that period of time, I wouldn't feel sad about it anymore, or if I am ready to move on. I know it isn't wrong to leave the relationship because the heart just don't wanna do it anymore. But reasons like that could really destroy a person, destroy me. For someone who'd put and loved so much to be left with sayings like this is just a disaster.

All those words and advices told to me, about being strong and move on, letting go, and stop thinking about it, I'd honestly heard enough. I know about all these, I know about trying, and to try even harder, and if that doesn't work out try EVEN harder. But the grief and thoughts come naturally. I can't control it, even if I'd to force myself to not think about it. My friend told me "God wouldn't completely shut me out, if he closes the door, the window might be opened. There will always be a path for you to crawl out of it". And I was thinking, like what had been mentioned before, even if i close the door, the window might be opened, and that opening would get Satan into my head!

As much as I'm trying my best, and as much as I know I got to keep trying, this deep stinging pain hasn't go away. The worst thing about hoping is not knowing when will your hopes come true, and the worst thing about grieving is not knowing when will the pain be gone........

..

2010-05-17T16:43:00.001+08:00

I'm just so fucked up right now.. Just so fucking fucked up..

Differences

2010-05-15T04:36:00.006+08:00

Billions of people live in the world we're living now, and each and every one of them shares different thoughts. Some are willing to accept all thoughts, and choose to live with their very own happy believes that people would think of that as 'dreaming'. Some would live thoughts as how the real world portrays it as, and feeling fairyland thoughts are 'childish'.

When two people of different thinking come together, is there no way to have a happy ending? One would see it as the honeymoon period would not make the difference in personalities stand out. But once it's over, things would get worst, the all along core problem would arise, and one would feel that there's no point going on anymore. The difference in opinions and thoughts would be so significant, and even though arguments over, the problem still stays. And as these thoughts and problems compiled, it is then followed up by a burst of emotions, 'tired, 'I'm done doing this', 'This is heading nowhere and we're gonna end up arguing and arguing so let's just put an end to this for the better tomorrow'. And what's left that could be done, is the move on with life, meet more people and find out more about the world. And along that journey, one would discover more point of views, and at some point, those views would maybe change one's mindset.

If something would to be done during that challenging phase, could the relationship be saved? If both would to sit down, talk about things slowly and lovingly, telling one's partner about their very own feelings and how different is it from their partner's, would things be better? Like being mentioned before, there would be no right or wrong to how things are being handled then. Some would to think as this is who we truly are, and if we would to talk about it, how much can a person change? Sooner or later things would go back to square one.

On a different point of view, if both are willing to do their very best for the relationship, to accept one's point of view and to live with it. Would that be better too? How sure can one know that that point of view you're accepting is right, and the other is wrong? Maybe the other party’s wrong, and they should accept yours. But then again how sure would one be that one’s thinking is right? It’s like the question to “What comes first, a chicken or an egg”?

So at the end of the day, it’s fair to say that there is no right or wrong to whatever one would think. Some would think the best solution to this is to part, be friends, meet more people and gain more experience. And if fate permits, these two would meet, and be together. Another point of view would be to try out things and figure it out as a couple together. Keep trying, if it fails, stand up and try again. And if things work out, indirectly the relationship has moved on to another level, if it doesn’t, it is then time to part.

Love is a game for two, if one would to stop; the other is forced to stop as well. One would to question, “My best shot would not necessarily be yours”. Hence, there wouldn’t be a time where the two would come to the same agreement. And then we’re back to the same point where there’s no right or wrong to one’s decision. So I guess at the very last bit, sooner or later, this game of love would have a winner and a loser. The winner would be the one being firm of one’s decision, and the loser is obliged to follow it. But nevertheless, whether the winner’s decision is right or wrong, no one knows. It's something that's ought to be given a shot. And maybe time will…..

Answers

2010-05-14T03:54:00.003+08:00

A decision that isn't right, nor is it wrong. Does such decision exists? I've always knew that there are different types of people out there, with different mindsets and different point of views. And despite it hurts hearing those thoughts, it's also a fact that this is reality.

Love makes you do the craziest things that you'd never thought of doing it before. It made me, I'm sure of it. But what surprises me is rather how love could change over time. At one moment you feel like happiness surrounds you and you're at the best moment of your lives, and in a blink of an eye, it all goes away. Does that really mean 'Come back to reality'? Is reality that cruel after all?

Going through this phase is really tough, and I couldn't help but wonder, must only grief makes us learn about a life? The thought of "If I love you and you love me, things would turn out good", everyone says come back to reality things aren't that simple in life. But why? Why make things complicated when there's always an easy or better choice around?

I can never tell what a heart's thinking. 1 moment you want this, the other moment you want something else. Love for instance, does distance really kills feelings? Isn't it "Absence makes the heart go fonder"? I couldn't help remembering about the nights before leaving, how we teared and promised each other that things would be better, that we would solve it and be happy. But now everything has changed. I guess this is how 'solving' and 'happy' are defined for her. And it scares me how devotion could fade, just like that.

"There's a time when people would just feel like they don't wanna give anymore, and ending things just like that". A cruel statement, but a true one. Some said that ending things doesn't mean that there would no longer be love or care. But if you love, and if you care, why part? Isn't love and care enough to make you wanna commit? I seriously don't get it. You love and care for someone, but your heart tells you that you've other things left to do, and move on with life. If that's the case, who's telling you that you love and care for someone? Isn't that your heart as well? And how do you know that the former is what your heart truly desires? Is it impossible that it desires both? If parting is about the lost of love and feelings towards the other party, I do understand. But if there's love, why part?

"At times, when both of you can see that you are heading towards a different direction, then you'll know it's time to let go, and move on with life", a statement that got me speechless. I'm on a path with her in it, a path which I describe as the path is my life, and I wanna share my life with her. And this straight path had come to a fork, and she'd continued her very own journey, while I stood on to mine.

Regardless of knowing the reality of life, somehow it still didn't changed how I see it. Maybe it's just me being optimistic, but I just wanna be that spark of hope when the lights go off. And who knows, maybe one day this spark would lit something up, and life wouldn't be so dark after all.

Back

2010-05-10T04:23:00.004+08:00

I never guessed that I would be back blogging again. And yeah that means I'm all emotional and down again. I really hoped that this blog would be dead for good. But guess happily ever after ain't a good friend of mine.

If you had the chance to return to the past, and change something. Would you do it? Have you ever wondered how things would be if you'd manage to take back the things you'd done? Would it really be for the better? Do you believe that 1 day could actually change your whole life? It did for me, not in 1 day, but in 1 hour.

I've lost something very important in my life, her. And I'd really wanna go back and make up for the wrongs that I've done. I'd always wondered, if I didn't do this, she'd still be here. If I'd been a better guy, she wouldn't had left. And then it struck me, if I manage to keep her around me, would that make me a better person? And if I would to hurt her again, wouldn't all that I could do is hope to return to the past and make things better? And hey, isn't that back where it all started?

The 5 states of grief, Denial Anger Guilt Depression Acceptance, all came to me as a whole, in 1 hour. When things are bad, we tend to go for the easiest way out, which is to deny. And along the way comes anger and guilt. Once everything is out, it was time for depression. Knowing that there is no other way around the problem, we finally gotta accept.

As much as I'd reached the acceptance state, deep down in me lies denial and guilt. For I know I'm much a better person compared to who I am now. For I'm sorry for ever giving her such a hard time. For I'd failed to keep my promises. However something important had been left out from the picture. Hope. With hope then comes Strength and Will. And these 3 in hand would finally lead on to Birth.

I practically don't know which state I'm in. And I would say ALL of them if it's even possible. But I guess Birth is the dominant one. For today begins a new day, for me, for how things would go, and for how I'm gonna start winning her back.

Splinter

2008-12-31T00:38:00.003+08:00

Warmth flared when the palms connected.. Eyes filled with concern, assuring everything's alright.. Heart raced, for the search of a missing piece.. A piece for comfort, for enlightening the pain.. A piece that brings a goodnight kiss, and the beginning of a chapter..

One, two, and three - A Hindu film.. From far ends, both ran to each other.. Singing and spinning, playing piano in the air, left right left around a tree, and dancing in the rain.. All wet and shivering, but you - me - today, was all that matters..

Four, five and six - The downfall.. Today came to an end, and tomorrow never exist.. Eyes drown with tears, heart stopped, for the piece, was gone.. A death sentence, with no room for appeal, no room for love.. All left are just three, memories of endless joy, days of finally, being me.. And so it was the end of the story, happily never after..

Four

2008-12-31T00:26:00.003+08:00

One, two, three and four
Done hoping for anything more
Roaring, stoning or maybe tearing
Or rather, perhaps, everything

Pessimist ain’t an easy someone
For all that’s seen all that’s done
For the grief and sorrow coming along
Proven wrong, one has longed

Thunderstorm for rage, sunny for joy
Cloudy for being an emo lil’ boy
Waiting for day to turn into night
Waiting, again, to regain the sight

Words as deadly as a poisonous dart
Blown, from mouth, straight to the heart
The fall, broken, and torn apart
Ended, with a silent depart

Tense atmospheres and cold bye’s
Forced smiles and avoiding eyes
Never bringing the past to the future
No more sweetie that’s for sure

Despite always being a somebody
Despite choosing to be nobody
Despite no more being a part
Those were never wanted from the start

Deep within still lies a flare
Burns in the dim, always there
How diminish and how insignificant
It’s always lit, every second

Back.. Again..

2008-09-15T20:27:00.005+08:00

And here he is again, sitting on a chair, facing me.. Logging on to http://www.blogger.com/ and this time, signing in, and clicking on 'Create post'.. It has been a month since he'd last logged in, had last faced me with droopy eyes, with a straight lips, with such sorrow.. Before this, it would be the happy-go-lucky-hopping-around Koln, but I didn't expect him to return and face me that fast.. For a moment I didn't know how I should feel. I was happy he was there in front of me, running his fingers on each of my alphabets, with every touch of warmth that made me feel so alive.. But warmth wasn't all that I'd felt on my alphabets.. There were times when cold shivering drops of tears left his eyes, and hit me.. Words couldn't describe his feelings, they never could.. But maybe 2 colors might show a brief picture, black and white..

The days when he faced me with a smile was no longer there.. They were now watery eyes and pimples on nose.. Time after time he would just stare blankly at me, thinking of how to mix and match my alphabets.. One thing puzzles me, there were times when he would stare at me just blankly, then continue poking my alphabets.. But there were also times when he stoned, smiled, and resumed what he was doing.. Humans sure are complicated aren't they?

I didn't know how to help him.. I tried infecting myself with porn, but he would just turn it off, or worse to worse, scan me with Kaspersky.. Every time he clicks on I-Tunes and presses play, I'd purposely play happy songs like 'Barbie Girl' or 'Tarzan and Jane'.. But he'd then move my little mickie to songs like 'Empty' or 'Cai Hong' or the fucked up Westlife songs.. Even when he chats with his friends, words like 'Haih' appears more regular than normal.. And there was this conversation that caught my attention.. It was on the round cake festival night when his parents brought him to the temple to see candles in papers, and he'd coincidentally asked the statue for 2 things, he received a paper and there it was lying beside lil mickie.. And it says:

In Troubled Waters

Problems are dodging you one after another. The path ahead is rough and rugged, yet so hard to shake off the misfortunes. The best course to take is to exercise great endurance, and consolidate your position for better times to come.

Guideline:
Financial Pursuit: Abound with pitfalls
Honor & Merit: Obstacles along the way
Matrimony: Encountering obstruction
Litigation: In unfavorable situation

Sounds pretty bad eh? I was wondering what was the 2 things he seek advice for.. And I finally had them figured out, for he's just a 19-year-old student.. I then browsed through his histories and found out that he smiled looking at these following pictures:

And cried when he viewed this:

I felt as though he really did meant his words last time.. Joys of love last awhile, sorrows of love last forever.. Seeing him rub lil mickie's wheel up and down, reading the puzzle he had just solved, and then moving lil mickie to 'Publish Post', it was the end, for today.. Though I'd found out the reason behind his tears, I knew he wouldn't give up that easily.. It's just a matter of time before he gets back up on both feet..

*K*

Sigh

2008-08-14T18:50:00.002+08:00

My dad has once brought me to some feng shui-ish to read my future and all, and I've been told that I would be restless these few years, and stuffs like what horoscope would my future wife be and all.. I was like niasing wtf you telling me my future for? If I knew what would happen in the future what fuck thrill would I have in my life? I chose not to believe, not to trust a single word he'd said.. But they came true, 1 by 1, bit by bit..

For a moment we were so attached, and now I'd found out that we aren't, and we were never attached, it was just me falling over you, again.. I'd let myself to hope again, and when I did, joy filled the several days, and thunderstorm stroke the rest.. It's different, being someone special, and being someone who you love.. One can be someone you love and at the same time someone special, but never someone special and someone you love.. Days has gotten even worse compared to back then.. The words didn't hit me hard, I was barely broken.. But tomorrow would be seen as today, all the same, nothing different, nothing significant.. Even gay-ing with Kyle hardly turns me on anymore..

*Kk* means I feel the warmth of your arms during that day, but from how things are now, I can't leave it as *Kk*.. For the most you could treat me is someone special, and for me, someone special and someone you love ain't just a step gap away.. These would sound as though as I'm wanting more, expecting more, but no, I've learn to give up.. I don't know how things would be from now on, neither do I know whether you'd still hold the key, or has the key gone missing..

*K*

GG

2008-08-10T23:41:00.001+08:00

This chat explains it all..

{K}"oln says:
say sorry 2nd xiu didi
then i wont show kar mern

ophy says:
stop gaying

Kyle© says:
haha..sorry xiu didi....i love u...^.^

{K}"oln says:
say it MORE LOVINGLY
AND MORE CUTE

Kyle© says:
aiyer...my cute little xiu didi...(K)...

{K}"oln says:
give kenny see
confirm hai lat

Kyle© says:
HAHA
DUN POST IT IN THE BLOG
i confirm hai lat

{K}"oln says:
i go pots now
post now

Kyle© says:
yamateh~

ophy says:
gogo go

Kyle© says:
dai ka jie..jahat ah
haha

Good lord......

*K*

Back

2008-08-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

I feel.. Restless, again.. Still haven't find that spice for my life, nop, not yet.. I was shocked, being in the Audi all alone when my friends were out skipping class.. I sat there, stoned, as I stared at the computer screen reflected off his square magnifying glasses, and the Audi lights reflected off his head.. His lips never stopped moving, same goes for his hand gesture.. Didn't know why I'd stayed, didn't know how I'd lasted, didn't know anything..

Dad came home and said 'Why aren't you watching the Olympic opening ceremony? 4 years once and you'd rather spend time playing computer games'.. I was watching anime but even if I'd to explain, he wouldn't give two fucks.. And the anime was at its climax, so why would I bother watching fireworks and parades, it doesn't gives a hard on, at least for me.. All these shits piling up is so gonna drive me up the wall.. So feel like exploding.. Ohwell guess I'll just win Kyle's money tomorrow..

*K*

Break

2008-08-03T21:48:00.001+08:00

Taking a break from blogging.. Tata's readers

*K*

Haih

2008-07-31T23:08:00.002+08:00

Couple of weeks back I'd be so crazy to post 5 posts in a day.. Now, I'd stare at the 'New Post' page wondering what should I blog about.. Can't possibly blog about emo stuffs, cause if I did, then those same o' words would be uttered to me again, 'Get over it', 'Move on 2nd', 'You're letting go the forest for a simple tree', bla bla bla.. Don't you think I'd knew all these?!

Things between my partner and I has been progressing real well.. I'd to call him 'Kor kor zai', and he would to reply 'Xiu di di'.. And now we'd taken our relationship to a higher level, something that sounds like this:

Kyle© said:
i go sleep now la
bb
{K}"oln said:
bb
*
Kyle© says:
giv me a goodnight kiss?
haha
{K}"oln says:
okie
muacks

The chosen one..

Somebody stop him please..

*K*

ZzZ

2008-07-29T19:20:00.002+08:00

What's with the Dark Knight and the 'Why so serious' quote man? Most of my contacts have 'Why so serious' or 'Let me put a smile on that face' as their pm.. Enough of quoting for movies please friggin annoyed by it.. 'Why so serious' me somemore see i miit gao your ninku or not..

*K*

Just wanna love

2008-07-27T00:54:00.003+08:00

You asked me to stop loving you, you made us stop loving each other, I didn't stop, I hadn't stop.. You crushed my hopes, and made me hope no more, I did, I'd hope no more.. All I did was love you, from a distance, secretly, silently.. You told me you'd no interest in getting into a relationship, I got hurt, I got crushed, I got wounded, again.. But I stood with both legs, telling ya that it's good you'd made up your mind.. Those words didn't come out from my heart, I questioned myself, where did it come from..

I just wanna love you.. As much as I want you to love me back, I don't as well, not now, not later, not then.. Knowing that you couldn't, and wouldn't, just let me love you, and not love me back..

*K*

Well done

2008-07-26T17:43:00.003+08:00

PS: If this post has offended you in any way, I'm truly sorry about it..

You know after the 'Dark Knight' movie thingy, everyone was so into batman and all.. So I was thinking, we Malaysians manage to do a good job as well, we have our very own 'KeluangMan'.. Not only that, when it comes to spinning webs and climbing walls, we don't call our superhero Spiderman, we call him.. 'Cicakman'.. Frankly speaking I'm not surprised if they would to release a movie called 'Anjing KungFu'..

So today I was driving again, and I saw this billboard saying, 'GOTCHA! You might be next'.. I was like wow GOTCHA was so famous that it was on billboards now.. Then I drove a little longer, and when I saw this very special billboard, I parked my car by the roadside, on the hazard lights, and stared at the billboard again.. It says, 'Kena Kantoi! Anda mungkin sasaran seterusnya'..

Well done Malaysia, well done Malays..

*Kk*

The Night Out

2008-07-25T00:43:00.002+08:00

I went up to the counter, and said 'Are there anymore seats available for Dark Knight?'.. He replied 'How many seats sir?'.. I answered 'Two'.. And so it begun..

Dinner wasn't bad, cause we had friends accompanying us, so it wasn't that awkward.. But still, the 2 of us, eating at Nando's, while our friends just watched us eat, was quite uneasy.. And then they went back, and all that's left is just me, and my partner..

We headed for the movie, couples were surrounding us, I stared at my partner, and continued watching the show.. And so it was the romance scene, kissing and cuddling.. I stared at my partner, and continued watching..

The movie ended, groups of friends were gathering outside the toilet, and we both stood there, alone, just the 2 of us.. We walked to the car, my partner dropped me back at Sunway, and left by saying 'Drive safely'..

Dear Lord, I here, your humble servant, have come to seek pardon and forgiveness.. I plead for this brutal, ruthless punishment to end, and for so, I shall atone my sins for being a naughty boy.. Amen..

PS: My partner a.k.a Chin Wen Wei, it's a 'he'.. And yes, he's gay..

*Kk*

Sunny

2008-07-22T21:30:00.001+08:00

Today's a happy day.. All fat hao and cheerful.. Just for today I guess.. So not gonna blog haha..

*Kk*

Teardrops

2008-07-21T20:39:00.003+08:00

I look up with a frown
Grey skies and droplets pouring down
I held my hands and closed my eyes
Hoping for the weather to be just nice
So that I could go and play
All night, all day

Long I'd waited for it to stop
But the rain continued to drop
Playing is all I wanted
But guess it'll never be granted

Though I'd believed the skies would clear
It'd continued making me tear
By the roaring of the thunder
I'd no other choice but to wonder
Would sun ever shine again
And bring away all these pain

Long I'd sat with hopes in me
Believing that things would be what I'd wanted it to be
And time passed on
I became all worn
I stood up and walked into my room
With this pain as my wound

Knowing that hope was no longer here
I'd let it go with my tear
I'd never chosen this path
This path had chose my behalf

*K*

Hmm

2008-07-20T23:11:00.003+08:00

I am confident of who I am, confident on the decisions I'd made, things I'd said, and would doubt I'm wrong..

But you could easily crush these strength of mine, just like that..

I don't know who you are, hardly know you anymore, and has completely lost my ability to understand someone, for I'm no longer me, I'm a nobody..

*K*

The wants

2008-07-20T21:44:00.003+08:00

I want to share my ice-cream with you..
I want to serve you food during dinner..
I want to wipe your mouth clean after meals..
I want to pat your head..
I want to pinch your nose..
I want to pull you close to me and smell your hair..
I want to put both my arms around your waist, and peck your forehead..
I want to do many other things, but most of all..
I want to love you..
But..
我開不了口

I want to tear, knowing all that can be done is 'want', and never get to 'do'..

*K*

Needle-ed

2008-07-20T09:20:00.002+08:00

You cared, expressed your concerned, got very worried, and checked on her, making sure she's okay.. And she'd reply something.. Rather formal, rather normal, rather friendly, and rather expected..

It wasn't 'Thanks honey, love ya'.. Wasn't it, gotta accept it, gotta accept just the 'Thank you'..

*K*

Now

2008-07-20T00:04:00.002+08:00

It's still the same, the scent, the memories, the tears, hadn't changed, never changed.. But some had, time times we text, the times we shared, and the way I'd been treated..
Still.. The change in words use, phrases put in, concerns expressed.. They all did change, but one thing of those had never, their meanings..

*Kk*

Brrrrrrrrrrrr

2008-07-19T09:29:00.003+08:00

Slept at 12, woke up at 2.30, 4, 4.30, 6.30, and finally 7.30 to go to the market.. Wanna sleep now but there are on going construction both in front and beside my house.. You tell me gao mat lan now?

Yeeaple

2008-07-18T20:35:00.002+08:00

Monash and its lecturers.. Previous sem, a lecturer could hardly pronounce 'yi' or 'ye' in any words beginning with the alphabet 'y'.. For instance, 'yield strength', he would pronounce it as 'eel strength'.. I thought it would be over, not until today..

This sem, it was the whole way around.. Instead of not pronouncing the 'yi' or 'ye', this lecturer would add it to ALL words, and alphabets.. He said something like this..

Let yeex yeequals to yeea..
Yean yeea yiequals to yien plrus yiem..
Therefore, yiex can be written yes yien plrus yiem..

In ENGLISH, it's something like this..

Let x equals to a
And a equals to n plus m
Therefore, x can be written as n plus m

That God there were alphabeths and symbols shown on the projector.. If not I'd be thinking he was happy cause he yeaa-d, and was talking about japan currency and yam..

*Kk*

The W.C (part 2)

2008-07-18T16:14:00.009+08:00

The continued version of The W.C.. If you would come across a toilet with this number of urinal..

The best spot.. Would be here..

The reasons are simple.. You could always do this..

Don't make the one of the left jealous..

Toilets are the best place to lend a helping hand..

Yeap, help him flick it dry.. And not forgetting the other side..

Nothing to be ashamed of..

Special thanks to Ivan Chew (Red and white stripes), Chin Wen Wei (Gay boy in white) and not forgetting Chuk (Cameraman)

*Kk*

The W.C

2008-07-17T15:46:00.003+08:00

There's this range called the 'safe distance' to pee the guys.. It should approximately be something like this..

But some people are really afraid that the guy beside would take a peek of his mojo.. So he'd do this..

Notice how near would he be? For God's sake everything would be splashing back on you.. And if he would to hold the pee for quite some time till its about the burst, the force and the 'splashing back'.. Alright I better stop..

Then there are times when you're bored, and maybe you wanted to improve on your aiming or accuracy, or even at times, play fireman in the toilet.. You could always do this..

*To be continued*

*Kk*

.

2008-07-16T17:33:00.002+08:00

Bad morning, bad dream, heartache, too pain to blog..

*K*

Hoyo?

2008-07-15T16:32:00.007+08:00

Yeah, another 'on the way home' incident.. My car had this 'Horn if you're horny' sign on it.. Thus, I'm used to it when I get honked randomly and when I looked at my rear mirror, I would see him/her/they giggling.. But today was different, I was driving home when I got honked again.. So I looked around, and a red Myvi overtook me.. There were 2 people in the car, ladies, teens and were Malay.. The driver placed her hand on the window and showed me this as she overtook me..

I was like..

I was certain that nothing had happened before that, so I assumed it was the sign that triggered all this.. So I accelerated, drove beside her.. And hit this..

While I drove pass after honking, I placed my hand on the window, and showed this..

I love my sign..

Before I headed home, I went to the salon for a haircut.. So I sat down, and the hairstylist was a lady, aged late 20s or maybe early 30s.. The best part was, she was pregnant, maybe 5 months plus.. I was like.. 'Hey mommy'..

Relax ladies, I tamed big bad mojo, he didn't go wild.. So after she'd snip and snap, she then talked to someone else, saying 'Bong ngo sai li koh dai lap ngan didi ge tau fat'.. And yeah, I went like this..

She looked at me, and said 'You understood what I'd said just now?'.. And I said yeah.. Then she went 'Oh sorry I thought you were mix or something bla bla bla'..

All in all, I'm still in pain, though I'd also been sohai.. Had couple of questions bothering me, and would wanna seek the answers from her.. But I knew doing so would ruin how things are between the both of us now, so I thought 'Neh better not'.. I would answer those questions by myself, and the answers would be the ones who put me in more pain and deeper shit.. Better hope for the worst than the best..

*Kk*

O.o

2008-07-14T17:44:00.002+08:00

HOU LAN SUN FU ARH !
GAO MENG ARH !

*Kk*

Sizzling

2008-07-14T14:43:00.002+08:00

I've been taking hot baths recently, hotter than usual.. Last time I would hardly see steam at all, lately the neighbors thought there was a fire.. It was a real 'hot' bath though, can't help it, need the warmth.. Yeah, I'm frying my little babies, boiling them and all, and I'll make sure even if they'd jizz out, they'll be smoking hot..

Radios and their hits.. They'd advertise about the range of hits they'd play, from oldies, to hip hop and techno.. But sometimes these asses would really fuck your mood off.. Was on the way home and the 1st song Jinn played was an emo song.. Not to say I'm totally not okie with emo songs, songs like 'Over you' or 'My heart will go on', I'm still cool with it.. Jinn went and played 'When you're gone'.. How'd you expect a 'already fucked up person' to feel? Before this I would sing along and play with the mute button making it all karaoke-ish and all.. Now? I pulled down my cap, wet my eyes and just drove.. It was hard to notice incoming cars and all but, hey I'm here to blog right?

That wasn't the end of the 'music'.. After 'When you're gone', Jinn played 'Low'.. If he didn't had played 'When you're gone' at all, I would be jumping around and dancing like T.Pain in the car, well not exactly I would do that in my current condition, but still.. Even 'Calcutta' would had no effect on me now.. Gosh..

I'm back in Uni, wouldn't say it's something great, but at least it'd helped me occupy myself rather than sitting in bed listening to my MP3 player, or stare at the stupid box whole day.. But still, I'm back here blogging right?

I'm okay now I guess.. My okay/normal mood back then was happy, but my okay/normal mood now is sad, but at least it beats being in total grief.. I still couldn't let out a smile, nope not yet, wouldn't wanna cause the ladies misunderstandings and false hopes.. Though its all comfy now, dark, raining thunderstorms and all, I still wouldn't wanna take the afternoon nap.. For I know if I do, it'd be hell at night.. Still finding something to spice up my life.. I needa 'meatspin' kinda spice, yeah surely do.. For those who don't know what 'meatspin' is, don't bother finding out, those who do, it's just a metaphor..

I'd had my lullaby yesterday night, my night wasn't that bad, it wasn't bad at all in fact.. But still, doubting I would have 1 tonight, or tomorrow night, or the following nights.. I hadn't move on, nor get over.. Never plan to, never thought to, never want to.. I'd just accept..

*Kk*

Empty

2008-07-13T15:19:00.009+08:00

Time heals, heals my butt.. Yeah it sure healed the wound, but it'd also leave a scar behind.. One would let the daily routines of life heal their hearts, studies, going to classes and all, and in no time, you'd actually left the past behind.. I wouldn't.. And if the problem arises again, could you handle it? I couldn't..

Friends do play a role in helping you up, parents totally don't.. Try telling your parents about your youth love, more than half of them would say 'Ahh you're wasting your time in this puppy, monkey, and all sorts of animal love'.. Or your mom would start 'Why wanna get involve and tied down bla bla bla'.. And on she'd go, you know how women hardly catch their breath..

Siblings.. Some siblings would be of great help, especially the elderly.. They tend to be more supportive and understanding, more likely when it comes to dealing the problem with your parents.. Some would even help cover up and even take the blame for you.. Ahh, such noble siblings.. But on the other hand, there are some who'd go 'Hoho I tell mummy.. You die lorh you die lorh'.. Yeah, the younger once.. So for siblings, it depends actually.. Some you could comfortably sit beside him/her and express your feelings, and some you would just wanna bite off his/her ears as soon as they speak..

Next, your lover.. Well there are some who wouldn't wanna express their sorrow to their lovers, for they would be busy gaming / TVing (for the guys) or busy reading fashion magazines / shopping / manicure / beautifying some other parts.. But all in all, yeah lovers tend to turn to their partners, cause if they wouldn't, why be lovers then? Lover = good role..

Last on the list, your ex.. Well, ex can be considered as a 'friend', but for this case, we assume fresh breakups.. Ex plays a huge role, in fact a major role in helping one up.. Mindsets of people nowadays are 'If I would to be close to him/her, if I would to care for him/her, it would be harder for him/her to accept that our path has reached its dead end'.. Bullshit.. If one would get the motives clear and straight, telling him/her that you care because he/her has a position in your heart, but that caring would have its boundaries, that would seriously help alot.. Leaving your ex to go through the pain all by his/herself is as plucking his/her pubic hair one by one.. Gosh I could hardly imagine how would things turn out if you had a hairy ex.. So, be it males or females, your support to your ex plays the most important role of all.. Shits like 'I wanna let him/her feel the pain I'd went through', if so, what difference does it makes between you and him/her? Revenge? An eye for an eye? Cut the crap.. Show some concern and love (but dont let it lead to a misunderstanding), unless your ex was a total jerk, for that you can just ask him/her to fuck off..

Pleasure of love lasts for a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime..

*K*

A baby by the doorstep

2008-07-13T12:07:00.006+08:00

Another horrible night I had, and I'd wonder how long would this nightmare haunt me.. But apart from that, I wanna thank you guys out there for hearing me cry, to hear my heart speak, and to lend me a crying shoulder.. Lots of thanks..

A friend of mine told me that I'm very different, am a different species, and was brought to this world by a flying bird with a parcel.. I gotta admit, I do look at things differently, act differently, and think differently, and maybe that'd made me who I am now.. I know I can no longer expect anyone to treat me the way I'd treated them, for how I treat problems is far different from everyone else..

Some would call it a gift, for I could handle and solve problems by causing the slightest bits of pain, but those are for problems I'd solve for other people, not for me myself.. I always wanted people to treat me like how I'd treated them, but it'd came to my mind that that would be impossible.. For they do not possess the 'gift' I had, and would never handle things the way I would.. For I'd had this 'gift', it would be great help to those who seek a crying shoulder, but wouldn't serve any bit for my own pouring tears..

A pessimist was what my friend thought of me, that I could always foresee the pain coming, and would had bring myself to another route.. I was always a pessimist, I never once wasn't.. The difference this time was I'd saw the hole, but still stepped right into it..
For 2 harsh nights had passed, I know being in that hole sucks, and its about time for me to climb out, with the rope let down by my fellow friends, and the strength of my own will..

An anonymous person quoted 'If you love me let me know, if not gently let me go'.. Well I'd let you know, and I'd be letting go.. The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, slip off your hands, love you no more, and loves someone else.. Yeah it sure stings.. The ones that you love the most, are the ones that hurt you the most..

*K*

...

2008-07-12T23:00:00.006+08:00

I need to get some sleep.. I cant.. But I need to.. This thing is crushing me.. Gotta take some sleeping pills.. Gotta sleep.. Gotta sleep.. I know, you all had told me, it's not worth crying for her.. Not worth wetting your eyes and fucking up your life for someone who doesn't give a damn anymore.. Here's my answer.. I can't help it, I fell too deep..

*Kk*

Hidden-ed

2008-07-12T17:27:00.002+08:00

You're always there when times are hard,
Like you were my best friend,
We laughed we cried and been angry too,
But always remember, i love ya.
Once as someone i couldnt live without,
Now, as a friend, as a best friend perhaps.

We have said things we didnt mean,
Hard and easy we've been through.
We cannot forget of the times we've shared,
Because they were special memories,
Memories that would remind me of how love felt.

Sometimes i would tell myself to never look back,
As i might see something,
That i thought i could,
But i could not,
But know i should.

I love her..

*Kk*

Chilli? Maybe tomato..

2008-07-12T14:17:00.001+08:00

I'd just realized something, again.. I'm no longer a necessity.. I'm just, a salad dressing, can be added for some flava', or not at all.. And another thing, about getting over someone.. People tend to get over someone by not thinking of him/her, cramming their schedules and keeping themselves as busy as possible.. And whalla.. They'll have no time to think about him/her.. I seriously doubt that..

By doing whatever that I'd just mentioned.. Wouldn't it be more like erasing the existence of that person in your life, rather than to get over him/her? By forcing that someone out of your life, by not remembering his/her past, or the past both of you had went through.. Is that called getting over someone? I doubt it..

Some say if they leave a room for their mind to think of that person, that would make them harder to 'get over'.. Thinking of that person would make them tear, or flashback the memories they'd had together.. And so they'd chose not to think, not to remember, not to picture, and not to hope.. Getting over huh? I doubt it..

To me, the way people 'get over' someone, is bullshit.. All that is done is running away, not get over.. By getting over someone, you would smile when you think about the memories both of you had, and tell yourself 'Ah, those were the days'.. And not completely erasing those memories off.. To get over someone, you should be able to talk to that person as someone close, as someone who'd went through the past with you, someone who was there during the ups and downs of life, someone you were with before, and not completely treating that someone as a total stranger, as just another ordinary guy/girl, who'd never play a role in your life.. You would let your heart and mind think of that person, and not preventing them from doing so.. Thinking of that person, let out a smile on your face, and continue on with life.. This, I wouldn't doubt, not at all..

*Kk*

A new morning

2008-07-12T10:45:00.000+08:00

I needed to pee, it was like a daily wake-up routine to me.. And today, I'd realized it was time to give big-bad mojo a haircut.. Was wondering what hairstyle suits him best, so I came out with a list:

(i) Shaved bald with longkang
(ii) Centre parting
(iii) Braiding
(iv) Mohawk
(v) Just trimming

*Kk*

Breakdown

2008-07-12T00:52:00.000+08:00

12th July 2008, the date I'd started to blog.. Mainly due to a huge breakdown I just had.. Yeah it was love, and partly my studies.. After being attached to someone for such a long time, it's sure hard to let go.. What stings the most is knowing that the other party has moved on, and all that's left is you holding on, all by yourself, all alone. I wouldn't blame love entirely for screwing up my studies, cause after all I couldn't control myself, I couldn't set my priorities, I got caught up in love too much, and fell too hard..

And you know the things they said about dreams, where dreams are what you really want.. Well I started to believe in it when God started using movie maker in my brain.. My dream wasn't the '2 lovers running to each other from opposite ends and hugged' kinda dream.. It was just something simple, not some fairytale dream.. Just being treasured.. That's all..

I did all I could, in fact I'd done everything.. But it'd never worked, despite how much I tried. And the best part of love is, you tell that person you hate her, but deep down inside you loved her that much.. When you rage, you tell that person to go away and leave you alone, but your hearts wants him/her to comfort you and sooth your anger. What an oxymoron eh?

Tomorrow will be another day I rise from bed wondering would there be an earthquake to spice the morning, or would it be just another plain sunny/cloudy/rainy day.. I need to get my life sorted out.. I guess it's time for me to overcome this breakup and stand up again.. 'We fall so that we learn to lift ourselves up again'.. Guess it's time for me to put those words into actions..

I won't be smiling as how I am in the picture.. The most I could do is let out a friendly smile.. I won't be as cheerful as I am anymore.. I've lost my will to be a joker, to be a 'sohai', or phrases my friends used to say to me like 'you damn fucker larh'.. And if 'you' would ever happen to come across this blog.. When you'd texted me while I was blogging, I smiled when my phone showed '1 new text messaged'.. And then got hurt again when you said I did not appreciate your concern.. And finally let out a sigh-ing smile, knowing that you could never prove my words wrong.. Never not because you couldn't, but because you don't want to.. And long shall I wait to be proven wrong.. And to you ladies out there, my heart is still locked.. Yeah, she still has the key to my heart.. And it'll be long before that key slips off her hands..

*Kk*